The Sum of Who You Are

As I watch my daughter peacefully sleep, I wonder...what if she was me? What if she was the mama of three beautiful children and the wife of a godly man and she was spending valuable moments of this one life feeling completely worthless? Moments she will never get back.

What if she couldn't see her value came from above, from the Creator who always thinks "precious thoughts" of her? (Psalms 139)

What if she was stepping on the scale and basing her self-worth on what that number said. What if it dictated her day? The way she spoke to herself? The way she spoke to her spouse? The way she spoke to her kids? What if she contemplated avoiding others or social settings all because of that one meaningless number?

What if she spent hours upon hours trying to figure out how she could lose more weight? Reach that "perfect" size...even though she didn't even know what that size was? What if she insisted on doing just one more workout even though her body was screaming for rest and she was clearly exhausted? What if she calculated and recalculated her food choices and cringed at the thought of her children making her a surprise breakfast because it strayed just a little from her rigid meal plan?

What if she was swallowing pills that she knew could harm her because it gave her a few minutes of feeling like she was "in control." Yet later, it made her feel completely out of control as her head pounded, her heart raced, and she felt weak from throwing her body out of whack?

What if she sincerely felt like the opinions of broken people mattered more than the opinion of God?

My heart would break for her. I would tell her this...

"Don't ever go down my road. The road that tells you that beauty is found outwardly first. That the sum of who you are is based upon a number on the scale and the measurements on a tape. 

"It's simply not true.

"Your value comes from your Creator. The number you need to remember is this:

God, how precious your thoughts are to me; how vast THEIR SUM is! If I counted them, they would outnumber the grains of sand..." - Psalms 139: 17-18"

And, what's true for her, is true for you...and me.

*I wrote the above 10 months ago. I never shared. I was in treatment for my eating disorder but was struggling to give up the very things I knew were absolutely destroying me. I'm happy to say my life is no longer like this. Recovery is hard - right now, it's hard every single day - but it is so worth it. 


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